School of Influence.

The world is full of influencers. 

To quote Oscar Wilde: "There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about." To quote me, “Do I have a double chin in this photo?” Now everyone from every walk of life can influence someone. For example I am influenced by cozy crafters and what real life people buy at Costco when I interject myself into their lives and bother them. On a recent day at my swimming pool we had the (dis)honor and (dis)pleasure of meeting a real life, in the flesh influencer. Nothing is a convo crusher like a grown man saying “I have a YouTube channel.” As I scrunch my botox free face in confusion in a Mom suit, my daughter inquires, “have you won any Play Button awards?” I have never felt so antiquated in my life, not even the time when at the same pool I stumbled upon a vape-y gen z. birthday party and my new friends the vapers (or vapors?) announced “Amanda doesn’t drink, but she does read!” 

"What’s your niche?" I asked.

He posts about teaching people to use Cash App and dealing with collectibles. I don't know much about the Cash App—aside from its appearances in 90 Day Fiancé and rap songs. But what I do know is that there's an influencer for literally everything.

On Instagram I see so many trends, I don’t even think about people like people anymore, but as buckets I’m pitching- Bookstagrammers, Gen Z, NYC, Crossfitters, Crosfitters who like NASCAR. It goes on and on. Maybe you post what you know and love, or maybe you’ve cracked the algorithm, but the feeds are beautiful, aspirational lives and I appreciate the theater of it all. 

Lately, I've noticed more and more people I know in real life asking me if I can help them become influencers. Le duh.  Which naturally leads to the question (that no one has asked and surely doesn’t wonder) why haven't I made myself an influencer?

Nah. I'd lose the ability to feel fancy af for not being on Instagram (while ironically spending five hours a day in the name of work on it). I’m mysterious and I don’t like natural light. I’m not built for it for over sharing anymore. When my LinkedIn posts get thousands of views and yet a sprinkling of likes, I take it personally as a petty slight (yes, I’m looking at YOU). I’m a reformed refresher. Did you like my picture? Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. These days the only thing I’m refreshing is my mind with questionably relaxing meditation apps. 

So, those who can’t do, teach. 

I have become so attuned to the world of influencers I can look at you (literally anyone) and tell you your brand colors and your content buckets, and what your vertical is. I’ll get you to 5k legit followers in a couple of months, or faster. I’ll write your pitch to get you any and all the products you want. I have a cute Mom friend who wants to be an influencer and asked for my help. I created a brand book for her with content ideas, apps to make them, and ways to grow her following. She looked at me in abject horror: Would I actually have to do this she asked? Yeah, ya, would. Because no one outside of your immediate family wants to see a normal person's daily idea of what they think is interesting.

Should I open an influencer school as a side hustle, I asked my friend. To which she reminded me my revenue stream actually is a side hustle and can you side hustle your side hustle? Seems complicated. One thing I do know is that so many people are doing it wrong. 

I would never say something so foolish as “be authentic” because, well, that’s quite subjective. If you want to be an influencer, be an influencer. Know what you're posting and what your point is. Stick to these things, and do them well (or some variation of well, or well-ish).

Recently my email was doxed to a group of Mom influencers and every day I would get countless, endless emails from women explaining to me why we should work with them. And they all made the same mistakes. 

The emails were so long! None of them passed the glance test, which is whether I open the email and immediately think, “ugh.” I can’t read every single email that comes my way as if I’m being paid to do it (wait…), so keep it short and to the point.

For the love of Emma Chamberlain, link your handle! If your handle is embedded so deeply in an email I have to search for it, you’ve already lost me. And don’t make me cut and paste things, that’s just cruel. 

Call me by my name, it’s right there in the email address, and actually comment about the brand you're pitching. If I had a dollar for every time someone emailed me “hi lovely” it would truly be lovely. 

And most importantly, don't bring up payment right away! It's like going on a job interview and asking about the salary first thing, or going on a first date and immediately asking if they want to get married (learned that lesson the hard way in the mid-2000s). 

Email me two sentences: include your handle, express your love for the products, and mention how delighted you'd be to receive a PR package. Understand that getting paid is a process. Show genuine investment in the brand because you love the products, and when a paid campaign happens, your posts will perform well because you care. When you receive the package, post a story about it, then email me to let me know (bonus points if you include your analytics). 

Does this sound like a lot of work? Yes, because working is a lot of work. 

In a world where everyone is vying for a piece of the spotlight, perhaps the true influence lies in knowing how to play the game.