Everything's Coming Up Robots
AI has officially lost its mind.
Sure, I’m proudly the only Mom on the playground who uses (or even knows what) ChatGpt is. And ya, I’ll often use it to shortcut writing work blogs (we all do it!!) or zippy captions. Ok, I’ll even accept Coke’s newest marketing moment, the AI collaborative Y3000 aka “the flavor from the future” even though it tastes like garbage from my past.
Miso Robotics’ “Flippy” who can flip a whooping 300 burgers an hour burned out when none of his human coworkers could keep up with his burger flipping output, and presumably everyone talked mad s**t about him in the breakroom. Last year, RedPepper, a US creative agency that excels in destroying joy, unveiled a robot named "There's Waldo.” This AI-powered bot outpaces even the most meticulous five-year-olds in finding Waldo. Sporting a plastic hand and a Vision Camera Kit, its facial recognition capabilities make it a speedier Wally-spotter…Such a suspect use of a Series A round.
What a sad state of affairs things are in. We are now a society that is constantly finding ways to make things easier, to the point we can literally happily exist from the mission control center of our beds. And I thought pre-washed lettuce was a cop out. We’re all on track to end up like the dueling bedridden grandparent couple in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. And yay! Look how far we’ve come, technology rules!
The final frontier is dating, the one thing you would assume (or hope) required human connection. Now, the robots with their high emotional IQ and perfect skin have sailed in, stealing your romantic prospects. Sure, we can blame the pandemic apocalypse for the loneliness that has led to the sudden outpouring of AI companionship apps. But really, it’s fear. Fear of failure, rejection and generally doing things that are uncomfortable and hard.
There was a time in the past (or Y2K as the kids call it) when you had to approach a person IN PERSON, and risk looking like a total loser if they blew you off. And then dating apps came along. Now you could shop for people like you shop for shoes, and look like a loser from the comforts of home.
But, somehow, even that was too risky. You’d have to weed through profiles of strange men wearing animals like scarves or sift through endless middle aged gentleman bragging about their love of “adventure” (.... or so I have heard from my friends, I swear!) feeling a vast sense of Why Me Why Didn’t I Just Listen to My Mom (... again, not me, promise!). Worlds away from the days at a bar where you would scream “WHAT IS YOUR NAME???” above Usher.
These AI companions can be programmed to cater to specific preferences, allowing users to tailor the AI suitors personality, interests, and behavior to align with their ideal partner. Remember those cute little lists from your hopeful past of what you’d like in a relationship? Now you can have it all (note: you will never hold hands with that person over a soggy, overpriced flatbread, and wonder if you actually love or loathe this experience but who cares when you have an entity available to tell you what you want to hear 24/7).
The company Luka Inc says it designed Replika to help real people practice dating skills. You know what else helps real people practice their dating skills? Dating. This is like prescribing SnackWells for a wellness journey or peddling social media to “keep us connected.” In the 50s cigarette companies used doctors to push smoking. These relationships offer no risk of conflict or heartbreak, two key components of real life relationships (and where some would argue I truly excel). Relationships with AI are devoid of the emotional complexities and potential for heartbreak that can come with human relationships, and that lower level of risk may be appealing to some.
So loneliness. I’m not sure who is running the PR campaign for our human existence, but they are doing a bang up job in making us believe everything should be wonderful all the time. Being a real life person is a mash up of a lot of feelings and some of them are vastly unpleasant, like heartbreak and loneliness. But without experiencing these emotions you never build resilience and strength to grow, and face a new heartbreak or disappointment with a fresh set of eyes and pep in your step. 93% of life is wonderful and the remaining 7% downright putrid (highly unscientific data purged from my brain). Without one, how can the other exist? Do you tackle loneliness by engaging in something that will make you ten times lonelier in the end?
So, my AI boyfriend. Even for research purposes, it was a hard pass. First, the cost. $60??? No. That is like 12 shopping trips to my beloved Dollar Tree. Next, the hairlines! Most importantly, the time wasted on my phone. Checking my phone to chat with a smooth talking robot? This sounds like the ultimate throes of misery. Recently while waiting in a line I noticed every single person was on their phone but me. A true dystopian nightmare, which inspired me to make small talk with a random guy: “Hey, do you like that PopSocket?” (true story). Awkward? Yes. Exhilarating? Barely. But this subtle action of cringe was a small, subversive step to right all the wrongs in the virtual world.
AI is the answer to some things, but not most. Life isn’t always easy. Relationships can be hard and messy and often painful. Just like flipping burgers or finding Waldo.